Dick Wolfsie
Over the years, I have poked fun at the Hammacher Schlemmer gift catalog. On the cover, they boast that they have “the best, the unique, and the unexpected.” This is evidenced by the following items in their newest mailing. Stay tuned for more as we get closer to Christmas.
First, let’s take a look at all the huge lawn ornaments in the HS catalog. To name a few: a 16-foot snowman, a 15-foot inflatable Rudolph, a 5-foot Grinch, an 18-foot Frosty the Snowman, a 9-foot Twinkling Reindeer, and a 15-foot Santa. Buy them all and put them on your front lawn this week. Your HOA will love you. Trust me.
Oh, I almost forgot. They also have a life-size replica of Santa on a ladder climbing up the side of your house to the second floor. The problem is that the police keep shooting at him.
Here are a few more nifty gifty items in this great catalogue.
The Only Outdoor Heated Cat Shelter: This is for feline lovers who don’t love their cat enough to let him in the house. Cats won’t sleep in the shelter, anyway. They will sleep in the box it came in.
Hands-Free Binoculars: This might be a good choice for that Peeping Tom in your life. Now he can hold on to the edge of the window sill with both hands while he peeps.
Cordless Air Broom: This is the perfect gift for the Halloween witch who takes off only to be yanked back by the electric cord.
The Genuine U.S. Military Watch: This is a beautifully crafted luxurious item priced at just over a thousand dollars. It sounds expensive, but on the bright it’s a hundred times cheaper than the Trump watch. And it’s made in the USA.
The Best Nose Trimmer: Hammacher claims this was tested by a panel of experts who judged it the best nose hair trimmer in the business. They claim the device is “good at getting to hairs others would have missed.” Other people? Do you have other people in your life searching for your nose hairs?
The Barber Eliminator: The first time you use this tool to cut your own hair it sends an automatic text to your stylist and fires him. You’ve wanted to do this for years. DONE!
The Full Disclosure Clock: This clock is scary because you never know what it will reveal. Remember, it’s been watching you all day. HS also adds that the clock can tell you what day and month it is in Spanish and French, which is exactly the same as it is in the U.S.
The Side Sleeper Pillow: This pillow is a subtle hint to your significant other that you know that he or she is sleeping with someone on the side. It’s washable so it’s a good time to air your dirty laundry.
The Illuminated Ear Wax Cleaner: Why would you want to clean your ear wax? More importantly, why would you want the gadget illuminated? You can’t look in your own ears. And even your best friend won’t have any interest in helping.
Stress Building Head Massager: Finally, the Stress-Relieving Full-Head Massager. It’s hard to describe this, so go to my Facebook page, facebook.com/dick.wolfsie, and tell me if the Hannibal Lecter Fan Club didn’t design this monstrosity.
Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes columns for The Daily Reporter. Send comments to [email protected].
