Morton Marcus
I looked up from my computer screen and was surprised to see Elvin Elfenhousen, my friend and confidant from Santa’s Workshop.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I’ve been assigned to the CIA,” he responded. Noting my quizzical look, he added, “the Continuity in Address division of SClause, LLC.
“We knew it was coming,” Elvin continued. “Each year more orders, more households worldwide. The hassles of licenses to park on rooftops, regulations about no-fly zones, and product liability insurance. The Workshop needed year-round, experienced people. It went beyond the purposes of our Elves Union.”
“You mean?” I asked in my fully nasal imitation of Fred Allen.
“Yes,” he sighed. “We incorporated in Bimini with an address in Fickle, just off I-65 at the Frankfort exit. We have an HR division and a strategic plan.”
“Oh, how the mighty have fallen,” I whispered. “And, delighted as I am to see you, why are you here?”
“To find out about our address list and update our data base,” he answered. “We hacked into your internet connection and have known what you download for years. But we don’t know what you do with all those data.”
“I understand your concept of privacy,” I said. “Well, I’ll tell you what I can.
“The latest from the Census Bureau are survey data for 2021. For the population aged one year and older, 86.7% were living in the same house as a year earlier. That ranks 25th in the nation, almost the median state, Missouri, where the figure is 86.6%.
“If you add in those living in a different house, but in the same county, the percentage rises to 93.5%, just a bit higher than the U.S. median state of 93.2%.
“Then when you add in those living in the same state, but no longer in the same county, you get 97.3% of Hoosiers over age one were also Hoosiers in 2020. By comparison, for the median U.S. state the figure was 96.4% of persons over age one.”
“Strange,” said Elvin. “We always think of Indiana as place of homebodies, but it’s not really very different from most American states. We won’t have to change our delivery guidelines for Indiana; what works elsewhere will work here as well.”
“Hoosiers pride themselves on being as close to ordinary as humanly possible,” I said.
“But,” Elvin asked, “How many of the people you’re calling Hoosiers were actually born in Indiana?”
“Two out of every three,” I answered. “We’re the 11th most nativist state at 67.5% after Louisiana’s leading 78.0%. The median state is 58.9%”
“That’s more like the Hoosier state we imagine,” Elvin said. “See you next year at the North Pole, unless we move because of climate change. Is there room for us in Fickle?”
Mr. Marcus is an economist. Reach him at [email protected]. Follow him and John Guy on Who Gets What? wherever podcasts are available or at mortonjohn.libsyn.com
