I’ve missed doing a number of things this past year. I used to love going to the movies with my wife, going out to dinner with my wife, and going food shopping without my wife.
She is meticulous about what she buys and spends more time squeezing a melon than I spend picking out a new car.
When I did go with her to a grocery, she was judgmental about my choices. No matter what I would sneak into in the cart, she’d notice those items at the check-out. That’s when I would hear one of three things:
1: You’ll never eat that. We threw away the last two bags. Return that to the shelf, please.
2: If you buy that horrible snack, you’ll just eat the whole thing and hate yourself. Let’s put that back in the candy section.
3: There’s been a jar of that in the fridge for a year. Please, take it back.
Then I would have to go around the store, trying to find where things belong. After a while, the store personnel recognized what I was doing during each visit. Dang security cameras!
“Hi, Mr. Wolfsie. Doing a little reverse shopping again today? Not to be critical, but last week, we saw you cram some Pop-Tarts on top of the energy bars. We found a dozen glazed donuts stuck in between the everything bagels and the 7-grain bread. Please don’t confuse the other husbands in the store who are lucky enough to be shopping alone.”
Mary Ellen is now doing all her food buying online. With the pandemic, she thinks this is a much safer approach, so I have been forbidden to wander around any stores on my own. This has drastically cut down on my intake of frozen pizza, Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream and barbecue potato chips. I watch Sesame Street now, just so I can see someone eating a cookie.
The other day, it was time to purchase online from Kroger and I asked Mary Ellen if I could do the ordering myself, so I could be of some help with this weekly chore.
“Okay, but please order exactly what I tell you. We have been eating much healthier lately because you are not tempted with impulse buying.”
Mary Ellen then shouted her shopping list from the bathroom while she was drying her hair. I sat at the keyboard entering the specific selections online. Later that day, I picked up the order.
Mary Ellen was not happy.
“Let’s see, I said macaroni; you got baloney. I asked for guacamole; you got cannoli. We needed noodles, you bought strudel. In the morning, there will be no coffee, but plenty of toffee. Finally, dinner tonight will not be low-fat turkey, but a bag of beef jerky.
I told Mary Ellen I had not done this on purpose — that I had simply forgotten to put in my hearing aids and I must have misunderstood her.
“Okay, but I am proud of you for getting the organic broccoli, just as I requested. Did you get it because it is so nutritious?”
“No, because it doesn’t rhyme with anything.”
