Dick Wolfsie
“It’s time again to celebrate that most beloved and versatile fall fruit –the pumpkin.”
That’s a sign posted at the Dunkin’ Donuts shop near me. There are similar signs at Trader Joe’s and Starbucks. Every aisle has something Halloweeny or pumpkiny, which are not words, except in September and October. Christmassy pops up in November and December. Thanksgivingly never made it. And Easterly only comes up when you are traveling from California to New York.
Now, I’m not a big pumpkin fan. I don’t even like small pumpkins. But here are just a few of the current seasonal options I now see at the stores noted above. You can stop reading the list anytime. You’ll get the point.
Pumpkin pie mix, pumpkin-flavored cinnamon bagels, pumpkin Greek nonfat yogurt, pumpkin cream cheese spread, organic pumpkin cream cold brew, pumpkin spice latte Starbucks, pumpkin cream cheese muffin, pumpkin scones, pumpkin loaf, pumpkin spice signature latte, nutty pumpkin coffee, pumpkin toothpaste, pumpkin pasta, pumpkin pie mix, pumpkin-flavored cinnamon rolls.
Now, let’s wander over to Trader Joe’s and see what else you can buy. But first, pick up a copy of their in-store publication, Fearless Flyer. Whoever writes the copy has a way with words—maybe the wrong way.
For example, in their promotion for Sugar Bee Apples, the writer says, “We take excellent products and cross-pollinate them with fair prices.” I can’t imagine how they did that. But I once saw a Rottweiler/Chihuahua mix.
Caramelized Onion Goat Log: We discover that this dish “creates a synergistic symphony on the palate.” Well, I’ll pass. I don’t want my tongue making noise. I’m already bad enough with soup.
Petite Pumpkin Spice Cookies where “the white icing furthers the foray into pumpkin spice territory.” This sounds like something a Vladamir Putin pumpkin might do.
Pumpkin Spice Latte: “This Latte elevates PSL to another level.” I recently got some blood tests back from the lab. I think they said my PSL was already too high.
Pumpkin Butter: “It does not actually contain butter,” they admit, “but its great flavor is credited to its fruit-to-sugar ratio.” Compared to real butter, whose great taste is primarily credited to cows. Maybe they should place a note on the few perfectly symmetrical organic pumpkins they sell: I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT PLASTIC.
Pumpkin Bread: They admit that baking at home can produce a superior product, but then they say, “…but time does not always allow for such domestic pleasantries.” I asked my wife if she could think of any domestic pleasantries. I had never seen Mary Ellen stuck for an answer.
Joe’s Sandwich Pumpkin Cookies are “twistable, crunchable, crumbleable.” I’m guessing that they are also inedible, but remember, I’m not a pumpkin partaker.
Finally, there’s Trader Joe’s Harvest Brunch Turkey, Apple, and Pumpkin Waffle Recipe Dog Treats, the lengthiest named product in America. These treats are trendy on the West Coast because they are gluten-free, for pups that prefer meat to Wheaties.
Finally, Harpoon Dunkin’ Pumpkin Box O’ Beer? Yes, a box of beer. Somehow, that doesn’t sit quite right with me. I never wanted a box beer abs.
If you are a pumpkin fan, please don’t be offended. I just wanted to make you smile when you read my column.
And orange you glad you did?
Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes columns for The Daily Reporter. Send comments to [email protected].
