Dick Wolfsie
As I write this column, negotiations continue regarding the upcoming presidential debates. Each candidate has a preference regarding which guidelines should be followed during the exchange.
There should be similar rules for partners in a relationship. Mary Ellen and I were married the same year Ronald Reagan debated Jimmy Carter. Motivated by that debate, we established our own instructions should we ever disagree in our relationship. Which happens much more than once every four years.
Here are our guidelines and a note on who benefits from each rule…
No risers or platforms: My wife and I are about the same height, but she towers over me in high heels, giving her an unfair psychological advantage when we argue. No wonder I never win. I’d rather debate Marco Rubio than Mary Ellen unless he is wearing high-heeled boots. Advantage: wife.
No questions to spouse except rhetorical ones: “Is that any way to load a dishwasher?” “Is that what you call a pot roast?” “You don’t think you’re playing pickleball today, do you?” Draw.
No props or charts: It would be much more effective if I could wave a few Kohl’s bills in front of Mary Ellen’s face while I complain that she is not keeping to our budget. On the other hand, if my wife ever finds those dry-cleaning receipts for my tee shirts, I’m in trouble. Draw.
An objective moderator: We have been using my friend, Bob. He likes it when I use his name in my column. But I think Bob likes Mary Ellen more than he likes me. Same with his wife, Cathy. Advantage: wife.
Equal make-up arrangements: Mary Ellen has a dozen lipsticks, four mascaras, three eyebrow pencils and moisturizers for every season. I have one bottle of Just for Men. I can’t out-debate someone with that much facial ammunition. Advantage: wife.
No behind-the-back confrontation: Let’s say Mary Ellen is upstairs complaining that I went into her bathroom and left the toilet seat up, but I’m downstairs grousing about how she parked on my side of the garage. Neither of us can follow the other person around the house to make the other uncomfortable. Trump did that to Hillary eight years ago and won the election, but I doubt this method will work for me. Advantage: wife.
The studio audience may not applaud:Sadly, we never have an audience. How are you supposed to know how you’re doing in an argument if there aren’t lots of people cheering or booing? That’s why I never feel I’ve won a quarrel. I need immediate feedback. After the Trump-Biden debate four years ago, they probably both asked their wives who they thought won. That way of measuring success would clearly not work for me. Advantage: wife.
Muted microphones: We have nothing to mute except ourselves. I finally agreed to this compromise. If Mary Ellen is talking, I may not interrupt her. And when I listen to her, she can talk as long as she likes. Yes, I actually agreed to that. Advantage: wife.
The debate begins and ends with a handshake: Never in our marriage have my wife and I started a disagreement with a handshake. And we never ended with one. A hug works best. I predict there will be very little hugging between Trump and Harris. Or handshakes. Draw.
Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes columns for The Daily Reporter. Send comments to [email protected].
