Dick Wolfsie
My wife and I went to the State Fair recently and Mary Ellen spent a lot of time in the poultry barn looking at baby chicks saying, “How cute,” while I was out on the Midway looking at you-know-what on a stick, saying, “How delicious.”
The next day while at Menards, I saw two magazines, one called Chickens and the other Poultry World, both dedicated to the proper care and breeding of our feathery friends. In the intro to one of the publications, the editor is seen holding his buddy, a handsome springer spaniel. I guess this guy has learned that you attract more chicks holding a dog than a rooster.
By the way, one of the covers has the teaser “12 Tips to Successful Brooding,” which was once on the front page of my grandmother’s edition of Jewish Homemaker. Also on the cover is the question: “Too Old to Lay?” I was advised by my wife not to make a joke about that.
Once the reader gets inside the magazines, let the pun begin. There are puns I am sure have made their way into every edition over the years. Let’s face it, there are only so many chicken plays-on-words you can come up with to headline your stories or to name various sections of the periodical.
EGGCITING RECIPES (How eggsasperating. And during Easter we see this pun in every newspaper a hundred times. Enough, already. It’s eggscruciating.
ONLINE EGGSTRAS and EGGSCLUSIVES (This section directs you to websites where there are a dozen more dreadful puns. If you want to save money, try a half dozen.)
CHICK OR TREAT! (How to dress up as a pullet or hen for Halloween. Just the idea is pretty scary.)
A CHICKEN IN EVERY SHOT (Don’t have an adorable cat for Facebook? Here’s some advice on how to capture your capon on camera.)
CHICKEN SCRATCH (An article featuring gifts and gadgets for chicken lovers with the subtitle: “Everything Our Readers Are Crowing About.” Here, you can buy an app that figures how many eggs annually to expect from your flock. Yes, it’s called a cluck-u-lator.)
GET THE SHELL OUT OF HERE (How to ensure a durable product from each breed. This pun is also used in Turtle Monthly…in every issue.)
COOPED UP (Step-by-step instructions on how to build a chicken pen. You will see this pun again, probably every time the magazine does a story about chicken pens.)
FOWL LANGUAGE (A glossary of important terminology for bird lovers. I wonder if they thought they were the first to come up with that title?)
Both publications address readers’ questions in a feature called “Q and A” in one magazine and “Chicken Chat” in the other. A better title would be, “Can We Squawk?” Jeesh, now I’m making stupid puns. Of course, I know nothing about chickens, but I would like to take a stab at some of the answers. These are actual questions from the articles.
Q: I have a chicken that seems dull and bored. Her head is down and she is all fluffed up. Do you know what that means?
A: Yes, it is definitely a chicken.
Q: I raise quail. Recently I found one with half of its head missing. What should I do?
A: It’s too late.
Q: I am considering hatching chickens myself. Any suggestions?
A: If you are successful, call this newspaper for an interview.
I know this was a dreadful column, but in the words of the great Steve Martin “Well, eggscuse me.”
Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes columns for The Daily Reporter. Send comments to [email protected].
