Dick Wolfsie
The other day at the supermarket the periodical display was chock-full of all these splashy publications— so many, in fact, that one bundle was unopened due to a shortage of space on the rack. Curious, I tore back the brown wrapping of the package and there it was: “Storage Solutions.” Yes, that’s right: there was not enough room on the shelves to include this magazine.
“Storage Solutions” is dedicated to assisting the busy housewife (or househusband, of course) in finding efficient ways to put away stuff, most of which should probably have been thrown away in the first place. By the way, I always thought the word “storage” had the letter “e” in the middle of it. Dan Quayle agrees with me. Where did it go? Maybe there was no room for it.
I glanced more closely and saw this was a “Special Double Issue.” Interesting that the editors couldn’t fit everything into one edition. Also on the cover was the tease: FIND SPACE YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU HAD. My guess is that at one time, you knew you had space, but you put it somewhere, and now you can’t find it. I know that makes no sense, but when I laugh, that means it’s going in the column.
On the back page was a huge ad for fifthroom.com. Later, I logged onto the site and realized that this was for people who didn’t want to install shelves, hooks and cabinets and instead just wanted to buy a prefab shed, gazebo or pool house, or maybe a giant cedar chest, and just cram all their crapola into one place. You can also purchase something called a pergola, but I had no idea what that was, and I didn’t want to make any room in my brain for more useless information.
The editorial was: “Help, I Need More Space!” Last month it was: “Do You Need More Space?” And in March, get ready for it: “Space, I Think That’s What We All Need!” The pages are filled with colorful photographs of homes that don’t have much furniture but just a lot of adjustable nooks and crannies. With every picture, the first thing you think of is not how people have effectively used their limited space but what possessed them to buy so much junk to begin with.
These are actual tips from the magazine. You can thank me later for bringing these groundbreaking ideas to your attention:
1. Store books on a shelf horizontally so you can read the titles. (I give up. How does that save space?)
2. Use large hooks for coats, backpacks and gym bags, but use smaller ones for keys and dog leashes. (What a groundbreaking concept!)
3. For gloves, just throw them in a basket in your closet. (How do they come up with such off-the-wall ideas?)
4. Use empty jars to store paper clips and loose screws. (I’m getting a much better idea of who has a few loose screws.)
I always want my column to be educational and entertaining. But I failed this time. Next week, I’ll try to do both. If I have the room.
Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes columns for The Daily Reporter. Send comments to [email protected].
