Dick Wolfsie
My wife and I often engage in meaningful conversations. She will ask me things like:
Are we better off with stocks or bonds?
Should we have waited longer to take Social Security?
Should we stick with cable or try a streaming service?
She’s asking these questions to make me feel smart. She already knows the answers. But here are the most common questions I ask Mary Ellen:
“Do you know where my coat is?”
“Did you hang up my coat last night when we got home?”
“Was I wearing a coat last night?”
Nippy temps will soon be over. This past cold season, I faced the winter chill without any substantial outerwear whenever possible. It’s not that I’m particularly hardy; I’m simply looking at things realistically. I’m tired of losing my coat. I lost three during Covid and we never left the house.
I’m going to explain my problem, but you have to read this carefully, or you’ll be lost—like my coat usually is. I never liked wearing winter coats, especially in the car. I don’t want to be all bundled up and feel like the Pillsbury Dough Boy at the wheel. I get too warm when the car heats up, but I can’t undo my buttons or unzip because of the seat belts. Then when I exit the car, I’m soon in a warm place like a movie theater or Lucas Oil Stadium and have to immediately take off my heavy jacket and stuff it under my seat, which is a great way to add mustard stains and sticky pieces of popcorn to my apparel.
Since I seldom wear a coat, I am accustomed to leaving places without one. And so, when I occasionally do take along a jacket, I often leave it behind because I’m not used to wearing it in the first place. Are you following me? If you are following me, please tap me on the shoulder and remind me that I just left my coat at Beef and Boards.
It’s crazy for my wife to get bundled up in the winter because she asks me to warm up the car before we leave the house. Then she asks me to drop her off in front of the restaurant. Then I pick her up at the door when we leave. We drive home in a heated car and get out in our heated garage. Why does she even need a coat?
For many years, this was a typical phone conversation I’d have on any given morning after we went out and I made the mistake of bringing a coat.
“Hello, this is Dick Wolfsie. I was at your theater last night and left my brown winter coat there. Could you check your lost-and-found?”
“We have a pair of glasses, an iPhone, and a credit card.”
“Yes, all that is mine. Not only did I forget that stuff, I forgot that I forgot it. But about the coat?”
“Here’s a brown one. Didn’t the bitter cold remind you of your coat?”
“I can’t explain this. Read my column. I’ll get the coat tomorrow. It looks like rain.”
“Don’t you have an umbrella? “
“I left it at Starbucks.”
Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes columns for The Daily Reporter. Send comments to [email protected].
