Dick Wolfsie
Once again, the most difficult part of Christmas shopping for me was finding stuff to put in my wife’s stocking. For over 40 years, looking for appropriate gifts for this Christmas morning ritual has stumped me. Mary Ellen never thought the piece of coal was very funny, so I stopped doing it after we were married six years. Mary Ellen keeps putting in my stocking tape measures which I have never used in my life. Lately, I have also been getting “environmental” gifts like organic straws and soap.
But this year with the help of TikTok, I found dozens of inexpensive gift ideas that solve everyday problems, like threading a needle effortlessly (not that Mary Ellen sews) or hanging a picture without a hook or nail. One product particularly intrigued me, not a gift for Mary Ellen, but for my stocking. A toothpaste squeezer, a tiny plastic contraption with a key that when turned extracts the final bit of product from the bottom of the tube. Of course, it was made in China. I am not a big fan of Chinese goods, but I do love good Chinese—especially moo shu pork.
I ordered the squeezer. Days later, I started getting notifications updating me on where in the world my toothpaste squeezer was on its trip to Indiana. I was always given both a tracking number and an order number. In their last text, I was informed that my new order number was 78675439879464, which thanks to Bing’s AI, I now know is seventy-eight trillion, six hundred and seventy-five billion, four hundred and thirty-nine million, eight hundred and seventy-nine thousand, four hundred and sixty-four. Mary Ellen made me add a digit at the end of the number before publishing this because she is still a little paranoid about unsavory people getting our personal information.
That is a lot of plastic toothpaste squeezers, about 13,000 for each person in the world, including places where people have no teeth. My stocking-stuffer gift did finally arrive, just in time for New Year’s Eve. I quickly went to my bathroom cabinet and retrieved the 16 tubes of Colgate that I had refused to throw out in 2023.
The notes apologizing and explaining the delay in delivery still came every day. Yes, I had the gadget. But it took two months. According to the seller, that little thingamajig had spent time in post offices first in China, then Norway, Finland, and Patterson, New Jersey. Not exactly the end of an otherwise perfect vacation. I emailed the seller.
Dear Toothpaste Squeezer People:
My squeezer did arrive. Finally. But it broke in half the first time I used it. I may order another squeezer next year. But only if you make one for my almost empty open plastic containers of Gulden’s mustard. My wife is threatening to throw them out.
I would love to return your item for a full refund, but I don’t think it is worth the trouble, like trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube. Which is probably another gift option you will be offering next year.
Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes columns for The Daily Reporter. Send comments to [email protected].
